Written by Santa & Mrs. Claus (ghostwriters Trish and Jack Ries)
Well folks, it’s that time of year again. Mrs. Claus and I have made a list, and we’ve checked it twice. Now it’s time to find out who’s been naughty or nice. Let’s start with the nice list, shall we?
Whatever Organization(s) Brought Back the Pub Crawls – You rock. There’s nothing quite like the free flow of beer and music on Front Street. Thank you for re-establishing Marietta’s position as our favorite drinking town with a river problem.
Kristen’s Katering – The MRA, and vicariously the Marietta Traveler, would have a bunch of starving people without you. Thanks for always filling our bellies with delicious homemade food.
The Marietta Traveler Staff – Adam, Rick, Emily, Rebecca, Cynthia and everyone else; the time and energy you all put in to make this publication possible has not gone unnoticed. We applaud your efforts.
For the Love of Dog – One of our favorite bartenders from Shank’s has turned small business owner and has been selling American-made pet supplies right here in Marietta for a few years now. Thank you, Tammy, for filling a much-needed gap in the borough’s business offerings. Now if only we could get a grocery store…
Chiques Rock Outfitters – Many folks just don’t realize how dangerous the Susquehanna River can be. Thanks to you and your guides, people can stay safe while enjoying the beauty of nature.
Pioneer Fire Company & Marietta Special Fire Police – You guys keep us safe, and keep our first responders safe, respectively. Thanks for all your hard work, and for sacrificing your personal time to fulfill such a massive community need.
Barbie, Jimmy, and the entire American Legion staff – It’s been a tough few years for private clubs in PA. Inflation, product scarcity, and people looking to save money by not renewing memberships have affected many clubs and veterans organizations across the state. You guys toughed it out, worked hard, and kept a 100+ year old Marietta institution running strong.
So now let’s get to the list I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time for Santa to hand out some coal.
Facebook Repeaters – Two Lumps of Coal Each – What is a Facebook Repeater, you might ask? Well, those are the people who ask a question on the Marietta Facebook page that’s already been asked and answered 1000 times. You want to know when trash pickup is? You can actually search the Marietta Facebook page, or have a look at the borough calendar on the borough website.
Whoever Laid Out the Vendor Map for Marietta Day – Five Lumps of Coal – This one may be touchy, but it still needs said. Do I want to eat 5 fully loaded weenies from 5 different stalls on the same block? Why, yes actually, I do. I mean, look at me. Santa isn’t exactly what you would call a skinny man. For the sake of my waistband, please spread out the frankfurters. I can’t control myself otherwise.
Haunted Marietta – One Lump of Coal – I got so scared in this year’s haunted house that I peed my pants a little. Mrs. Claus was not happy about that. Keep up the good work, though.
The Albatwitch – 100 Lumps of Coal – Those are MY apples, you hear me? MINE! Go steal the Easter Bunny’s jellybeans if you’re that hungry.
Elon Musk – One Billion Lumps of Coal – Just who do you think you are, launching all those Starlink satellites? Now everyone in Appalachia thinks they’re seeing UFOs. Plus, those suckers are hard to avoid in the sleigh. We had to turn Rudolph’s nose up to full power to avoid hitting them last year. As if my job wasn’t hard enough.
Well, that about does it for us. Mrs. Claus and I must get going, as we still have a ton of work to do before the big day. I’ll see you all on Christmas Eve, although you won’t see me. Unless I get stuck in your chimney from eating too many hot dogs, that is. In which case, you’ll hear me yelling for some ho-ho-help.
A Merry Christmas and joyous Holiday Season to everyone.
“Christmas is forever, not for just one day. For loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away.”
-Norman Wesley Brooks